Inert Bits and Fertile Soil
It's a rainy April morning here in Connecticut, as I look out my window out at the lake watching the tulips and daffodils make their way up from the earth in what will be the resulting "May flowers" in a week or so. I had breakfast with a dear friend and felt the cherished connection of the warm and comforting space we have between each other. I feel blessed.
Sitting here at my desk, I feel the flutter of overwhelm starting to creep in as I consider the list for the week. So much I long to do. So much I "have" to do. I seek within to discover the peaceful, albeit powerful path to bring my inner world craving for peace together with my outer world list of responsibilities into one harmonious place.
I've learned through trial and error that to put the list of "musts" before the list of desires is a slippery slope. And yet, to give myself fully away to the musts means never getting to the cup of tea, the walk in nature, the writing of the book, or the moment to soak up the sunset. So I decided to give myself some creative space first. Here and now. To light a candle, write for a stretch, and see what comes. I give myself permission to do this first, honoring what's here, and then I will cross some T's and dot some I's after.
Writing to you here helps me. It soothes, centers, and grounds me. It helps me hear me. My husband is reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. I read it years ago and have used his reading of it as a way to recall and reflect upon it. Frank, my husband, reminds me of Tolle's repeated mantra...
"You are not your mind."
"Find the watcher behind the thinker."
I am breathing that in right now. Connecting with the part of me beyond my mind.
My mind wants precision, quantification, knowing.
My watcher wants wholeness, connection, expansion, radiance.
As the rain comes down supporting the growth of the flowers outside my window, If feel a connection to the presence of something growing within me.
Make space for radiance
... is the message pouring out of me.
I'm sensing light, expansiveness, peace. Removal of bits that are in the way. Removal of inert bits that aren't muting my radiance, but they are not allowing it to expand either.
I am feeling how important it is to create time to dwell, as I am now, in this sea of light and oneness. And I see how my life right now is filled with bits of this and that that interrupt and distract me from this little block of time to feel the hollows of the universe.
Removal of inert bits...
My "inert bits" are things that might be perfectly fun or seem to be self-caring, but they distract me from the next level of my own care. For example, the dance class on Thursday afternoons that I do enjoy but takes up way too much travel time and space for the level of joy it is actually giving me. Or an invitation to go spend a whole morning visiting a store where I don't plan to buy anything an hour away, but I say yes because the idea sounds nice in the moment, but is it really worth the time it costs? Or the answering of the phone while I am in the middle of a meditation -- because it's my husband and I love him dearly -- exchanging his preferred timing to talk over my own. These are just a few of my many inert bits.
My inert bits are doing no real harm, but they are not really helping me expand either.
Today, I choose to release the inert bits and make room for new light in the space that follows.
What is helpful today, might become inert, or even harmful, tomorrow.
What is inert, or even harmful today, might become exactly what is needed in the future.
So there is no perfect recipe.
Today I allow the expansiveness of the universe to find its way into my being so that I may know the difference, and that I may pot myself in the soil of that which will most gracefully and effortlessly spur my growth.
Thanks for listening.