So Why Do I Want to Give To Charity So Badly??

Oh my goodness, one of the most difficult things for me to resist on this spending detox is giving to charity!

It's really interesting, actually.

In part, I have a hard time turning down an opportunity to give to a charity that is important to me.  

But truthfully, there is also a huge part of me driven by ego...

  • The part of me who wants to be seen as generous...
  • The part of me who doesn't want to be perceived as cheap...
  • The part of me who wants others to believe we have plenty...

I just received an email from a friend inviting us to go to an auction for a local organization we really appreciate and admire.  It provides wonderful creative and artistic opportunities for children in the area.  Our girls have attended many of their programs, and the programs are incredible.  The funding goes to two things I care about:  (1) they offer scholarships to children who would otherwise not be able to attend, and (2) they compensate the visiting, teaching artists in a way that honors and supports their life as an artist.

So I value this organization, its mission, and its function in our community very much. 

Normally, I would immediately click to buy.  The question wouldn't be whether I bought tickets to the benefit, the question would be WHICH tickets I'd go for.  No, I would go right past the $75 General Admission seats, and even the $125 reserved seats.  

I would have sat and thought for at least 10 minutes about whether to get the "Silver Patron" seats at $250 or the "Golden Patron" seats for $500. Ultimately, I probably would have gone with the $250 seats if I weren't doing My 30-Day Spending Cleanse.

I probably would have chosen the $250 over the $500 seats because we just paid our taxes and ugh, that always leaves me feeling a little less generous.  But if it had been back in February when Frank had just gotten his bonus, I probably would have sprung for the $500 seats.

So I am observing this and seeing clearly that my choice to buy a ticket to this charity event is not about the generosity of my spirit. It's connected to my egos need to be seen as generous, to be seen as abundant, to be seen as affluent. (Uuuuck! I want to PUKE!!!)

I hope you don't hate me for all this stark, bitter, revolting truth.

This Spending Detox is bringing up all sorts of toxic awareness. And it's not all pretty.

But this new awareness, while certainly embarrassing and even shameful, is also fascinating to me.

Here's the thing... I want to give to causes I love.  It deeply, deeply do.  My soul wants to help make a difference in the world in every way we can.

But I'm not feeling like my soul is always the one deciding whether to give and if so how much.

As it is, I am not going to give to this particular campaign, as I have the convenient excuse of being on a Spending Detox, as it doesn't fall into the category of "needs" or "essentials." So the decision has already been made for me: it's not a need so I am not buying it this month.

And more awareness comes as I lean on this excuse...

Knowing that I am not going to buy a ticket and knowing that I won't attend the auction and spend still more money feels like an enormous relief!

What just happened to all my generosity??

It makes me truly wonder what I would do if I received this invitation to attend this charity auction next month instead of now -- when the Detox is done and my right to free choice has returned.

Would I buy a ticket? Which ticket, do you suppose? Or would I instead just write an anonymous check? 

What will my soul choose to give as authentic expression of itself?

I wonder how all of this is detoxing and DA meetings are changing me, and what it will help me to see and do differently.

I'm not sure of where this all leads, but I am incredibly fascinated observing the journey and staying open to whatever wisdom I extract.  

I feel a rebirth coming and I am curious and fascinated watching this new version of me be born.

Thanks for listening! :-)